Jokes...!!!

LAUGH OUT LOUDLY

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A COMPUTER ADDICT WHWHY IS IT IMPORTANT?

Medical studies show that people in better relationships live longer, healthier lives!
Forget exercise, vitamins or meditating. The real secret to staying young is love

• Bring home one flower a day for one solid month
• Favorite gifts for women: jewelry, perfume, flowers. So guys, open up the wallet :-)
• Trace "I love you" on a stick of butter or margarine.
• Have pillows embroidered with your names, and get monogramed pillow covers.
• Use a thesaurus to help you describe your lover: beautiful, angelic, divine, sublime, alluring, bewitching, stunning, gorgeous, exquisite, marvelous, magnificent, charming, enticing, fabulous...
• When window shopping, secretly note what your partner likes then return later to pick up that something special.
• Put a new piece of jewelry in her jewelry box and wait for her to notice it.
• Leave a trail of your clothes from the front door to the bedroom.
• Kiss every square inch of her body S-L-O-W-L-Y !
• Hide a love note in a bottle of vitamins. The note will say: "Try some vitamin L."
• Cover the room with helium balloons.
• NEVER, never, never say "I told you so".
• Find a four-leaf clover and present it together with this note: "I got lucky when I found you."
• Mail a lock of your hair to your lover.
• Ask him to pick a number between 1 and 50, then reward him with that number of kisses.
• Make a habit of taking a stroll after dinner every evening.
• "Women fall in love through their ears, men fall in love through their eyes." Woodrow Wyatt.
• Rent a houseboat for a mini-vacation.
• When dining out, share everything: your meals and desserts.
• Attach a note on the TV remote: "Turn me on instead!"
• Before getting out of bed, face your partner, give him/her a kiss and say: "I'm so thankful I have you in my life."
• Sign your letters: "Forever and a day"
• Attend a lousy movie, sit in the balcony, and make out in the dark.
• Place a heart-shaped sticker on your wristwatch to remind you to call.
• On your lover's birthday send his/her mother a "Thank you" card.
• Hide a pair of earrings in a box of chocolates.
• Celebrate the anniversary of when you first met.
• Shower together by candlelight.
• Warm her bath towel in the dryer for her.
• Use the little strips of paper from Hershey's kisses as coupons redeemable for one kiss each.
• Plan a "Mystery date" for sometime next month.
• Tell your mate that you - love, adore, admire, cherish, desire, want, need, prize, esteem, idolize, revere, treasure him/her.
• Leave written clues that lead her to a restaurant where you are waiting for her.
• Hide a little gift for her so she'll find it during a walk together.
• Leave a note: "I know we are soulmates because....."
• Send postcards, greeting cards, an envelope with lingerie; send a love letter via express mail...
• "Imagination is more important than knowledge" - Albert Einstein
• Give her your jacket when she is chilly.
• Nothing is impossible to a willing heart, so let your imagination go wild...
• Guys: Hold her dinner chair.
• "One does not fall 'in' or 'out' of love. One grows in love" - Leo Buscaglia

EN...

You wake up at 3a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your email on the way back to bed.

Your firstborn is named dotcom.

You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

AND DRUM ROLL PLEASE

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?

APPLE VERSUS MICROSOFT

Three Microsoft engineers and three Apple techies are traveling by train to a computer conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple techies buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple techie.

They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple techies cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.

The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to do the same on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple techies don't buy any ticket, at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple techies.

When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a restroom and the three Apple techies cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Apple techies leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” the man replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“Can’t,” breathes the bartender. “He’s not here. Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

Boy: I am not rich like rohit, I don't even have a bid car like rohit. But I really love you!
Girl: I love you too, but tell me more about rohit..

Clean "Dog Fight" Joke

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

Commerce professor asks the student: what is the most important source of finance for starting business?
Student: "Father in law".

"Three island men" Joke

There was 3 men an englishman, a german and a scotishman they were all stuck on a island. One day they found a lamp they rubbed it and a genie came out. He said "you all get one wish". So the englishman said "I wish I lived in a large stone mansion", and off he went. Then the german said "I want to get in a nice hot jacuzzi", and off he went. Then the scotishman said "I'm lonely I wish mee island friends were back", so they came back

"University" Joke

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"



Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.



Mom: Beti badi ho kar kya karogi?
Beti: Kuch nahin... Maan banungi, padhungi, shaadi karungi... aur kya?
Mom: Jo karna hai karo par zara serial order mein karna.

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Bad Day" Joke

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."



Lady drinking coke, machhar falls in. Lady takes it out, machhar says "MAA"! Lady asks why did you call me "MAA"? machhar says, "Main teri coke se nikla hoon, MAA!"..


Every Indian women is RANI KAXMI BAI in her life.
RANI - Before marriage.
LAXMI - After marriage.
BAI - After children.



Teacher: "If you reached in your right pocket and found a 500 rs note, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
BOY: Somebody Else's Pant.


Sardarji gets into a double decker bus, he goes upstairs and suddenly he comes down............
Conductor: why did you come down???...........
Sardar: “upar koi driver nahi hai bhai”!!!!




A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.

1.What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip.
2. What is height of Laziness?
Adopt a child.
3. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
4. What is height of Stupidity ?
A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
5. What is height of Honesty?
A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
6. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder

Redneck" Joke

They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning." "But, madam!", replied the bellman. "Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager." "Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"

Lost in his own back yard?

One day a police panda car pulled up to Granny's home and Grampy got out. The constable explained that this elderly gentlemen had said he was lost in the Victoria park.

'Why, Ivor, 'said Granny, 'You've been going there for over 30 years! How on earth could you say you had got lost?'

Leaning close to Granny so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, 'Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.'

Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai & jumps into the well.
Santa: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thhi?




Hey krishna tu is kalyug mai aa kar to dikha?
tune 18 saal ki umar me mama kans ko mara,
BIN LADEN ko hath laga kar to dikha?
tune pura parvat ek ungli par uthaya
mere gym me aa kar ek dumbell utha ke to dikha?
tune bhari mehfil me draupadi ko saree pehnai,
mallika ko ek jodi kapde pehna ke to dikha?
tune gokul ki 1600 gopia saath me patai,
mere company ki ek ladki pata kar to dikha?
tune Arjun ko to Saari Geeta sunayee,
mere Team Lead se baat kar ke to Dikha?
tune to Arjun ka Sarathi banke Pandavon ko jitaaya
India Cricket team ka Coach ban ke WorldCup jitaake to dikha?
hey krishna tu is kalyug mai aa kar to dikha?



Coach Sehwag to be sacked after India's defeat over Mongolia

"Tendulkar should consider quitting" : Rahul Dravid

Pathan touches 60 mph!!!

India out of Super 30 contention

VVS Laxman : "I still hope for a spot in the team in 2023"

NORTH KOREA don't want to take minnows Pakistan lightly

Former Paki captain Inzamam : "Boys is not plays with heart"

Flintoff publishes 7th autobiography : How I got drunk, shot and woke up in the Pacific!

Greg Chappell talks of cracks in the Solomon Islands team: "Seniors are behaving like Mafia"

Security increased outside Sehwag's mithai shop after India's defeat




A sardar was drawing money from ATM. The sardar behind him in the linesaid,"Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 astriks(****).
The first sardar replies, " Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong. Its 1258."

==>>PUB
Two Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some
sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them.
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the
pub-owner. So the two Sardars swapped (exchanged) their sandwiches.


How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.


==>>A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"



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